Posts filed under ‘thingsaboutfish’

If you ever see a mysterious arrow in the middle of the forest, you should definitely follow it.

Today my field partner Paul got totally buttfuck lost in the middle of the redwood forest, and it was awesome. Normally this would be terrifying and, since he had the car keys and I didn’t want to be stranded two hours from civilization with no phone, it kind of was, but his explanation of what happened? Totally worth it.

We’d just spent several hours bushwhacking our way through spider webs and huge blackberry vines trying to mark the route of a decommissioned road that runs alongside the stream that we were surveying, and upon finishing our task I peaced the fuck out straight through the woods to the highway. This is what normal people do, because you’re much less likely to have a spider crawl down your pants and bite you on the vagina walking along the highway than you are crawling through brush. I have heard what vagina-bites do to people, and it does not sound pretty, so I stick to open spaces with clearly marked roads as much as possible.

Paul, however, stayed behind to pee when I took off, and then decided to walk back through the woods in the general direction from which we came. This worked okay until he came to a branch in the stream and didn’t know which way to go, which is when he noticed a random sign with an arrow on it hammered into the base of one of the trees. “I assumed the arrow pointed to the highway,” he told me later, “because what else could it possibly pointing at?”

A plantation of marijuana plants. This might have been a coincidence, because the area we live in is ideal for growing weed and there are a lot of grow-ops here, but still. He wandered in the direction the arrow was pointing for half a mile and found himself in a field of pot plants.

We were trained for this when we started the job, so he followed the proper procedure (get the fuck out of there), but he couldn’t find the path he’d made when he came in so he once again just started wandering randomly in what he hoped was the right direction. It took him 40 minutes, but eventually he heard a car driving by on the highway and found the road and finished the walk back to the car on the pavement like a sane person.

When he finally walked up I’d been waiting for an hour and pissily asked him what the fuck happened.

“I followed a mysterious arrow and found a pot farm,” he said. “Let’s get the hell out of here.”

So the moral of the story is, if you follow random signs in the middle of nowhere you will find drugs.  You also might get shot, since the drugs definitely belong to someone and they probably don’t like you.  It’s your call, but I suggest following the arrow.

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July 15, 2011 at 10:25 pm Leave a comment

I’d like to preface everything I say with a disclaimer: I do not have a fish fetish.

I feel the need to clarify this point right off the bat, because I spend a lot of time talking about salmon and I don’t want anyone to think I have any strange delusions about procreating with them or genetically engineering a half-fish-half-human hybrid or anything, because I don’t. Seriously.

Fish are my job, and since the US government pays me to care about them I try very hard to pretend that I do. This is often difficult as most of the salmon I see at work are already dead and missing various body parts by the time I come across them, and somehow rotting, headless corpses tend to be more vomit-inducing than awe-inspiring, but still. I signed on to be part of a program that restores salmon habitat and most of the friends I’ve made since I moved my ass across the country to do this are involved in fisheries restoration in one way or another, and that is why it’s completely normal and not at all weird for me to think about things like river whales and mutant fish eggs on a regular basis. Probably.

So, to reiterate, I do not have any strange psycho-sexual disorders about fish. There’s no need to be alarmed by my expansive knowledge of their reproductive habits, because I’m a professional (sort of) and that makes it okay. ish.

July 11, 2011 at 5:32 am Leave a comment


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